|
 Only
the Lardy Army could so spectacularly misread the instructions, on Saturday
6th December they walked away from their spiritual home of Queen Street to
their new temple of dedication namely Woodside Road, Worthing, a distance
ranging between 20 miles and a bloody long way.
The dedicated group, which was supplemented by a group of young converts who
had read, and heeded, the Word of the Lard, in true pre Christian style left
as the sun rose. A spectacle not previous observed by many amongst the
pilgrims, particularly on a Saturday morning. The group comprised 39 Lardies,
both young and old, one dog (who is probably still wondering why he was
dragged along) plus one dedicated supporter of a different church.
It was obvious that the ceremonial cremating of the last Queen Street burger
(somebody suggested there was nothing new in this) had worked in answering the
walkers' prayers, the day dawned both bright and surprisingly warm.
 Moving
off in their new brightly coloured vestments the group left the sanctuary of
Queen Street and ventured out into the wide world making their way along
Queensway and into the country. One walker, who shall remain nameless – Moody
-
observed that "I’ve lived in Horsham all my life and I didn’t know this was
here", not as significant as St Paul on the road to Damascus but still
enlightening. On entering the countryside some of the more dedicated Lardies
indulged in the first Lardy sacrament of the day, a can of lager and a
cigarette. Such dedication left some of the weaker members of the flock
speechless and aspiring to this level of commitment.
The early stages of the walk were incident free, the occasional cry of despair
as muddy water entered the top of trainers, and in some cases boots, livened up
the early hours. The silence was broken only by the distance rumble from the
A24, and the chorus of smokers' coughs, not even the birds appeared to be up.
 The
encounter with civilisation was the far flung village of Copsale, an area of
countryside not visited by human beings since the night before. A point worth
noting was the fact that no Lardy attempted to batter down the door of the
Bridge House for an early morning stiffener, the open mouthed landlord could
be seen behind the curtains with tears of frustration welling up in his eyes.
Leaving the delights of Copsale behind, the party moved ahead making for the
fleshpots of Partridge Green, passing the deserted station at West Grinstead
probably the only railway station which has not been attacked by the graffiti
artists and a railway carriage with the only working lavatory on the railway
system.
At Partridge Green two incidents of note occurred. Firstly the sainted
Braveheart of Glasgow performed his first miracle of the day when he managed
to turn small pieces of paper and slithers of metal into a wide selection of
Lardy approved foodstuffs.
Secondly, and perhaps more importantly to the dedicated Lardy, we had the
opportunity to pay homage to the workshop of the deity that is St. Eddie
French, several Lardies taking the chance to void their bladders against the
wall of the working premises of the sainted one.
Surely under these circumstances Partridge Green should be included on the
tourist map of Sussex, a witnessed miracle and the working site of a saint.
Leaving Partridge Green, the procession took to the fields leading to Henfield.
At this point some pilgrims became disorientated, when the distant South Downs
were pointed out these were confused with a navigational feature in the East
End, and the cry ‘Oh Bow Locks’ was heard.
At Henfield another miracle was witnessed, the party stopped outside the Cat
and Canary and no attempt was made to enter much to the disappointment of the
landlord who had booked a world cruise on the proceeds of his anticipated
uplift in sales. By now the weather was taking its toll, the high temperature
saw several Lardies disrobe and the Braveheartmobile taking on the appearance
of a touring charity shop.
The group at this stage was moving well, no serious injuries to report apart
from the
occasional blister, a declining supply of cigarettes and the real danger that
the alcohol was running out.
On the route from Henfield to Steyning, an incident occurred that satisfied
the perverse humour of most Lardies when two rubber necking drivers managed to
collide. Obviously we left our mark in more ways than one.
As we entered Steyning a tactical manoeuvre occurred that would have confused
John Maggs, the bloke with the map decided to drop off of the back of the
group. With stoic dedication the group soldiered on, even refusing to enter
the two attractive pubs in Steyning. We knew we were lost when we had to ask a
lady hiker for directions. At this point Bald Bloke and his bearers
re-appeared and we moved off towards the Monarchs Way.
It was apparent that our presence in Steyning had not gone unnoticed. As we
made our way along the Monarchs Way a helicopter was scrambled and flew
overhead, presumably a group of highly tuned fit young people had been
confused with the Sussex branch of Al Qaeda, obviously an easy mistake to
make.
It was now that the day was beginning to take effect, with the Lardies
stretched out for over 1 mile along the footpath, not a pretty site but
inspirational
We regrouped at the foot of Cissbury Ring where, at this point, it became apparent
that some walkers had misunderstood the purpose of the walk and were intending
to re-introduce the concept of human sacrifice as several were heard to say ‘If I
could get my hands on Bald Bloke or Eric I’d bloody kill ‘em’.
In fact we had forgotten to take a female Virgin with us. Volunteers were
called for from the menfolk and there was some confusion amongst the young blokes
who seemed to think that worshipping regularly at the Temple of Onan
constituted losing their virginity.
 The
party scaled the heights of Cissbury Ring and enjoyed spectacular views across
the Downs and over Worthing. At this point some confusion arose regarding the
best route down. Consultation with two women, probably old enough to act as
hand maidens when Cissbury was a pre-historic religious site, suggested a
route through a field containing a very large bull. At this point some Lardies
saw the light and converted to vegetarianism and took an alternative route.
For those of us who took the ‘meat’ route, we were treated to the quote of the day;
"I’ve seen what it can crap, can you imagine what it can eat?". I assumed they
were referring to the bull and not one of the Lardies.
The walk down from Cissbury was incident free until we met the correspondent
from the WSCT. While waiting for him to set up his equipment, the Lardies
offered their support to a couple of park football teams. No Lardy will miss a
football fix.
Some of the Lardies who had moved off ahead were called back for the video. I
think at this point some of them must have sported the East End landmark
again.
The walk through the streets of Worthing was noteworthy as the Lardies
attempted to convert some of the locals to the ‘light side’.
From the outset it was agreed that we would enter the new temporary temple as
a group and this was achieved with one exception, who will remain nameless - Moody
- who was still trying to cross the road at Copsale. Only kidding.
The response we received from the congregation from both churches when we
entered Woodside Side was both moving and appreciated. I still get a shiver
down my spine just thinking about it.
 Also
worth noting that most injuries were cured by large intakes of the fluids they
keep in barrels at Woodside Road.
Would we do it again ? Of course we would.
In all seriousness, it was a spectacular day and everyone involved should be
proud of their efforts. Also appreciated were the encouraging phone calls we
received on the way round. |
